Breathtaking: The gravitational pull of pepsi

Dear Lord Half-and-half,

It seems that rather than ask me to investigate what would make a good new logo for their drinking company, the Pepsi Cola Company seem to have consulted a magic druid from beyond insanity.

This secret document must reach no one but you and the rest of the internet.
Can I trust you with that?
You're too blasted right I can't.
That's why you're not allowed to look at it.
I've changed my mind.
This sort of absolute bleating nonsense is just the sort of thing that could put one off design, drinks and the concept of fizzing.

What is possibly more absurd is that the design alone cost Pepsi around a million dollars. I could have had that money! That's a lifetime of peanut brittle or crispy M&Ms!
It make you wonder what else they're spending their American coins on.

I'm looking at some of these men now through my spying eyes. Pepsi men. You are not looking at them so you must trust that what I relate to you is what is actually going on NO MATTER HOW INVENTED IT MAY SOUND.
They have remote controlled helicopters instead of ties and a selection of meats where one might expect to see a coffee cup. The meats are cold like their cold meaty hearts and their dead chilled meat eyes from the meat counter at Morrisons (Tesco is a bit cheaper but Morrison's is just down the road and they can't be bothered to walk the extra five minutes. LAZY FAT CAT MEN!).
Their office is tiled in what can only be described as tiles. Red tiles...possibly from beyond the stars. I think I saw some similar in B&Q but these may be different. A new technology perhaps where actually it is lino on the walls of the office but the lino looks like convincing tiles that one might find in B&Q. It is a new science invention that the Pepsi men have spent their American dollars discovering.
They are laughing. They are pointing at a picture of a pig and laughing.
Look closer, dear reader.
You are not there though, remember?
I will look closer dear reader.
The pig is dressed...
AS A DRINKER OF PEPSI MIGHT BE DRESSED!!!
Also the pig is saying "Duh..."
It's a visual metaphor!

They think they can hide their delicate tooting from the prying eyes of Johnny Detecterson (I, Sarlog Homs). But I am such a rambatulatory fellow that never will I quit until the full answers are in front of my eye sockets and, by definition, eyes.

I mostly hope this does not give you nightmares.

Yours in "brotherhood"

S. Homs (Det.)